So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
