I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
