my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
