Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've blown a few things in my day
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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