My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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