dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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