Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
MIDGETS
????
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
