So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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