For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize