had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
