I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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