Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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