my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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