Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
