i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
