Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
