Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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