called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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