Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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