I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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