My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I won the penis lottery.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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