Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
