I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
