Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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