Soap is not a condiment
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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