We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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