Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Is Oprah even human
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
