jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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