My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
