Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
