so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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