is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
