he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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