I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
