Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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