i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
