you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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