LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
