the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize