i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nicole vs. Life
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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