he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize