she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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