Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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