Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
