I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
