my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
