Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
