you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize