Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
