Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
