why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
