A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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