I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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