fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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