i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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