I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
