My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize