Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
