i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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