I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
