I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
50% drunk capacity currently
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
