hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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