Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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