Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
