I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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