Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
