Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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