She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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