If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
