What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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