just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize