Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize