Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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