Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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