genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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